


I don’t need a Xanny (now, or ever)

by Chickleen



Category: NCT
Genre: Addiction, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, Past Addiction, nct - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chickleen/pseuds/Chickleen
Summary: Johnny has been struggling with a drug addiction, and the team is doing everything they can to keep him clean.A/N: I have nothing but respect for these boys, and anything I write is purely fictional. I just like writing and I hate making up characters
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so don’t make fun :)

Chapter One - 

-Johnny’s POV-

At 12:30 p.m, I walk into the kitchen, voices starting to fade in to earshot.

“...I know, I know, I just don’t want to wake up one day and find him in the bathroom popping pills, like he used to.” I recognize the voice as Mark’s, and I begin to get nervous. Why the hell are they talking about that?  
“I think we should tell the others, so we can all work to keep him from slipping into old habits.” The next voice to speak is Taeil, him being one of the only ones to know about my past addiction.

During our predebut days, and stretching into our early debut, I had gotten mixed up with some bad stuff, consequently becoming addicted to painkillers. I don’t like to call myself an “addict”, but that’s basically what I was. I’ve only told two people, Taeil and Mark. Taeil I told because Mark had advised me to. Mark on the other hand, found out because he caught me taking pills one night. He’s actually a big part of the reason I stopped. The disappointment on his face that night was enough to make me sick to my stomach, and that was when I decided to try to stop.

There’s always the itch though. Once you start you can’t ever stop, not really. No matter how long you’ve been sober, you know deep down you would jump at a chance to get high again. That’s why I always try to stay out of the medicine cabinets, partly not to worry Taeil and Mark, and partly because I’m seriously concerned that I can’t control myself.

I shuffle backwards, trying not to alert anyone to my presence, and retreat to my room. Collapsing on my bed, I try not to think about anything, eventually falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two - 

Today is going to be a bad day, I can feel it. I wake up with a headache, and I can’t even take painkillers for it because they won’t let me. My head is killing me though, and I stumble out of my room to brush my teeth and wash my face. I exit the bathroom when I’m finished, seeing Mark in the kitchen.

I sit down at the kitchen counter heavily, sighing. Head down, I spare a quick glance to Mark, to see if he’s noticed me. He hasn’t.

“I have such a bad headache,” I complain, and Mark just hums.  
“Mark...” I start, getting up slowly.  
“No, Johnny,” he says bluntly.  
“Please, Mark, please. Just one, just one, I promise. My head hurts so bad, please,” I beg him, and his face stays passive.  
“Johnny, you know I can’t let you do that,” he says with sympathy in his voice. I sigh, returning to my seat. Mark sits down next to me shortly after, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Johnny, I care about you, that’s why I do this. You know that, right?” He asks. I nod, not looking at him.  
“Maybe take a nap instead of painkillers, okay?” He suggests, and I nod again. Getting up once again, I lay down on the couch, curling up and trying to ignore the pounding of my head.

I eventually doze off, and when I wake up I do feel better. I check the clock, seeing that I had slept for three hours. I rub my eyes, sitting up and looking around. There’s no one here that I can see, and my eyes train on the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. I know I shouldn’t, but it would be so easy. Just to reach in and grab one of the boxes, take one out and-

“Hey!” I don’t even realize I’m standing in front of the cabinet until Taeil shouts. I drop the box that’s in my hand, backing away.  
“Did you take any?” He demands, and I shake my head quickly, aggravating the remnants of my headache. He examines me, and I feel nervous under his searching gaze. When he decides to trust me, he nods slowly.  
“Okay, but I’m telling Mark about this,” he says shortly. I sigh for the third time today, closing the cabinet and walking back to the couch.

By 3:00 p.m, the rest of the group is milling around the dorm, some in the living room with me and others left to their own devices. By 3:15, Taeil calls a group meeting, the whole of 127 gathering in the living room. Taeil’s face is serious, and I have a feeling I know what we’re going to be talking about.

“I don’t want anyone to worry, but there are things that I think we need to talk about as a group,” he starts, and I wince quietly.  
“Guys,” I start, but Mark shoots me a look that says ‘we need to do this’.  
“Johnny, you know we have to.”  
I stay quiet after that, knowing that this is inevitable. I sit there staring at my hands as Mark and Taeil so easily spill the secret I had tried so hard to hide.

The room has an eerie quiet settle over it. No matter how playful and bubbly the members are, they know how they should act in serious situations. They’re understanding of course, as Mark explains what they can do to help me stay clean, and for the rest of the night we watch movies as a group. For the time being I feel as though I can get over this, as though I can really get better, but I know the itch will never go away. I can learn to ignore it, but it will always be there.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three - 

It’s three days in to the members knowing about my addiction, and things are surprisingly normal. Although, someone went out and bought a lock to put on the medicine cabinet. I appreciate the silent gesture, and it makes me feel warm inside when I think about it. Nothing can stop an addict, though, because I still know at least two more ways I can get drugs. One of which is texting me right now.

People were big on the drug scene in Chicago, and needless to say I fit right in. I still keep in contact with my old friends, and one in particular is a notorious “plug”, if you will, for drugs.

Jason> hey man, I’m in town and I might swing by your place, is that okay?

Me> yeah

I hesitate to type the next sentence.

Me> you got anything on you?

Jason> hell yeah man

I close my phone, sighing at how weak I am. They’re going to find out if I get high, they always do, but I just can’t stop myself sometimes. I spend the day disappointed with myself, but that doesn’t stop me from being excited when the doorbell rings.

“Hey guys, I’m going out!” I call, but Mark stops me from opening the door.  
“Please stay safe, and don’t take anything,” he instructs, putting his hands on my cheeks. I nod, before turning to open the door with success this time. Jason is standing at the door, and I smile when I see him.

“Hey,” I say, closing the door, “you got it?”  
“Yeah, come on.”  
We head down the stairs, before going out onto the street and getting into his car. We drive for a little while before pulling into an alley, and Jason pulls out some Xanax. We both take three, and I’m instantly flooded with relief. I know I should feel guilty, but I’m caught up in the feeling of the drug, and I couldn’t care less. We hang out for a little while after that before we part ways, Jason having driven me back to the dorm.

I open the door, hoping I’ve come down enough to not raise suspicions. Mark and Taeil are sitting in the kitchen, and I can hear the other members around the dorm.  
“Johnny,” Taeil says, “come here.” I walk over hesitantly, trying not to stumble. Mark looks at me intently, before speaking.  
“Talk,” he orders, and I can tell what he’s doing.  
“What do you want me to say?” I slur accidentally, and Mark sighs in disappointment.  
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t even that much,” I try to back paddle the situation, but they are already angry.  
“Not that much? You’re high as a fucking kite, Johnny!” Mark suddenly raises his voice.

Haechan peeks his head around the corner timidly.  
“Haechan,” Taeil warns, and the youngest quickly retreats.  
“I just don’t know what we’re going to do, Johnny,” Mark sighs.  
“You don’t have to do anything, I’m fine!” I yell.  
“What did you take, Johnny?” Taeil asks sternly, raising his voice as well when I don’t answer, “what did you take?”  
“Three Xanax, I’m sorry!” I say quickly. I can hear the faint whispers behind me, and I feel the shame taking root in my stomach. Mark’s tone changes suddenly, and he puts a hand on mine.  
“You will get through this, Johnny.”

While they wait for me to come down completely, I sit on the couch, sulking. They have Taeyong sitting next to me, no doubt having been assigned the babysitter. Periodically they have Ten check my pupils, to see how dilated they are. I still feel pretty high, and no matter how bad the situation is, it feels good. I can tell Haechan is uncomfortable by the way he’s staring at me, and I’m getting irritated.

“What?” I say sharply, and he looks even more distressed.  
“I don’t like you when you’re high!” He cries before rushing off, the sound of a door slamming echoing throughout the dorm. I scoff lightly, rolling my eyes.

By the time I’ve come down, many people have gone to bed, leaving only Taeil, Taeyong, Mark, and Yuta up. I get up from the couch, shuffling into the kitchen to look for something to eat. Taeil looks up from is phone, leaning on the counter.

“What do you need?” He questions, and I wave him off.  
“Food. I can get it myself.”  
I feel his eyes on me as I look through the cupboards. It looks like we need to go grocery shopping soon.  
“Do you need help?” Taeil asks, and I yawn.  
“No, I’m just gonna go to bed instead,” I decide, walking out of the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this is so late, I’m hoping I can post more frequently now. This is a little short but it will do!

Chapter 4 - 

When I wake up Mark is standing at in the doorway, arms folded across his chest.  
“Johnny,” he starts, making me groan.  
“We didn’t get a chance to talk about this last night, but you’re grounded.”  
“Grounded? I’m not 14, Mark,” I protest, sitting up.  
He ignores me.  
“No going out with your friends, no leaving the dorm without someone, and no more drugs, please Johnny,” he instructs. He leaves the room, leaving me alone once more.

I sigh, running a hand through my hair, before I get up and head to the kitchen, being greeted by Ten and Jungwoo. Sitting at the kitchen counter, I watch as Ten and Jungwoo attempt to make breakfast. By the time they’ve finished the rest of 127 is up and about, random conversations here and there. Collecting a plate, I start to eat the surprisingly delicious breakfast. 

“Guys, tonight is game night with all of NCT, just so you know,” Taeyong announces, answered by noises of acknowledgement around the room. As we finish breakfast, someone suggests that we watch a movie, and despite it only being 10 in the morning everyone agrees. It’s some random action film, and the bright lights and movement remind me of the nausea I’m still harboring from the slight hangover. 

The rest of the day goes by relatively normal, or as normal as it can be. Many of the members are still nervous around me, either treating me like I’ll break any moment, or acting like I’ll lash out. It’s irritating, to say in the least. When the rest of NCT arrives, promptly gathering in a circle in the living room, someone suggests we play Mafia, and that’s what we do.

At some point in the game my mind wanders, having not been chosen as anything significant. Looking back behind me, I see that the medicine cabinet has been left open, and I whip my head to face forward again. 

No, No. You are not doing this, not tonight.

I can barely hear past the ocean of sound in my ears, my heartbeat all too apparent for comfort. My throat feels tight, and I squeeze my eyes shut for a few moments. Training back on the cabinet, my feet itch to get up, my fingers begging for the smooth feeling of a pill between them.

When Yuta notices my attention is elsewhere, he follows my gaze to the accursed cabinet. Letting out an ‘oh’, he gets up quickly, rushing to the kitchen. He closes the cabinet, clicking the lock closed, and at once the noise stops. I can no longer hear by heartbeat and the waves have stopped crashing. I take a deep breath as the invisible hold on my throat releases, and I turn back to the game.


	5. Update

Hi everyone,

recently my beloved cat has become very ill, and we don’t know what’s wrong with him. He has been in and out of hospitals for the last two days and he is unable to eat or drink on his own. Due to the circumstances I am not able to focus on writing anything for a while, but I am most certainly not abandoning this story.

Thank you for understanding ♡

\- Chickleen


	6. Chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg she’s alive
> 
> Hey, sorry for taking so long but I can’t stay on a schedule at all, at least I’m posting again.
> 
> This chapter might be a little short but there’s more coming I promise. Also, idk anything about drug deals or things like that so don’t make fun of me, I tried.  
> Also there’s a possible tw abt drug things, sorry I don’t want to spoil but if you trigger easily with things like that just be careful

Chapter five -

Two days, that’s all it is. Two days of being alone in the dorm while the rest of the members get to go home and see their families. I wasn’t able to find a flight that could work, and flying all the way to the U.S just to be there for two days seems a bit gratuitous, so I’m staying here.

“Johnny, are you sure you’re okay here alone?” This is the third time Mark has said these exact words to me, obviously worried I would get into trouble or something.  
“I told you, I’m fine,” I reassure him, “now go before you make Yuta miss his flight.”

Mark feels the same way I do, so he just decided to fly out to Japan with Yuta, since his parents basically treat Mark like their own. Mark  
finally decides to accept my answer and walks out the door, a small suitcase in hand.

I sit down on the couch heavily, sighing. What am I gonna do for two days? Maybe write lyrics, or bake something, but otherwise I have no idea. Deciding to play video games, I spend a good amount of time doing just that. I let out a groan as I lose, putting the controller down next to me.

I turn to look at the cabinet. Leaving me alone was not a good idea. Getting up, I rush to the wooden door, pulling at it in desperation. It’s been so long, and I just need something to take the edge off. I hit my fists against the wood, leaning my head against it. How weak am I? It’s barely been 3 hours since everyone left and I can barely control myself. I know I should stay clean, I know, but I honestly can’t take it. I just can’t. 

There’s one last resort in times like these. It’s embarrassing, and I know the others would be so disappointed, but I fear that I won’t make it unless I get some drugs in my system right now. Slipping my shoes on, I head out the door, walking quickly down the metal stairs outside the dorm. It’s a pretty far distance, but too short to drive, so I walk. As I near the old building, the smell of smoke floats past me, confirming that the usual residents of the building are inside.

Knocking on the wall, I enter the broken building quietly, being greeted by the people I knew all too well. During the days when I had first come to Korea, I deemed it vital to find the nearest place where I could buy, and needless to say I succeeded. I would say the people here are old friends, but it’s not like we keep in touch outside of sessions.  
“How’s it going, man?” Someone asks me in passing, and I only nod. Several people, strung out by the looks of it, are splayed on rotted mattresses lined up against the walls. I barely recognize any of them, but then again it’s always dark in here so I can’t be sure. I move through the open rooms until I reach one of the farthest rooms, occupied by one of the drug dealers.

“What do you want?” He asks from his spot on the floor, and I pull out the 40 dollars took from the drawer in my desk. He looks at it for a moment before reaching into his pockets, taking out two small bags. One has what’s obviously weed in it, and the other has a powdery substance that I recognize as Oxy.  
“This is all I can give you for that much, sorry man.”  
“No, it’s fine. Thanks,” I take the bags from him, leaving the smaller room and exiting into the larger area. My hands are shaking in anticipation as open the bag with the Oxy in it. 

I take some in my hand, inhaling in through my mouth. Instantly, a euphoric feeling comes over me, causing me to lean back against the wall in pleasure. I take another inhale of the drug. Someone hands me a joint and I take a hit, before passing it on to the person next to me.  
“Are you sure you should be doubling up like that?” A teenager asks me. He couldn’t be more than 16, he shouldn’t be here.  
“Fuck it,” I deadpan, drawing in another handfull of Oxy.

I don’t remember blacking out, but the next thing I know is I’m waking up with a bad headache, and the sensation that I can’t breathe. I’m sweating bullets, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t sit up. I want to go back to sleep, I’m so tired. Someone is moving me, shaking me by the shoulders, yelling my name. I wish they would shut the hell up so I can sleep.

“-hnny! Johnny!” Voices start to fade in clearer, but I can’t bring myself to open my eyes.  
“He’s not waking up!” Someone yells from above me.  
“Shit!” Another voice chimes in, “we never should have left him alone! Why the fuck did we leave him?” Is that... Mark? That doesn’t make any sense, he’s supposed to be in Japan.  
“Hey, you! What the fuck did he take?”  
Everything keeps cutting in and out, the only constant being the pain in my chest and pounding in my head. Someone forces me to sit up, causing me to let out a groan at the sudden movement.

“We need to get him to a hospital,” Taeil’s serious tone cuts through the haze again. I feel hands lifting me up, slowly bringing me to my feet. I lean heavily onto whoever is holding me up. I hope they don’t mind. 

I find myself zoning out, only focusing again when I’m set down in a car. How did I get here, how did I miss the trip from the building to here? Something must be seriously wrong. I fucked up. I just hope they can forgive me.


End file.
